nicegrrly (nicegrrly) wrote,

so much to think about.. so little space

So hes back again.. back in my life... i wasnt expecting him for another 5 months, I preped myself for this.. started that program, was doing really well.. wanted to get hott by may for him, for me. finally doing things for myself. moved on with my life.. well now hes back. hes adjusting and im just not, its SO hard. Hes having a hella time, and me im not adjusting at all.. i have a twin bed, i find myself telling him all the time now, can u find ur way to the couch id rather get some sleep for work then cuddle, thats sooo not me. Its histarical yet its really not, this is how im coping, I know hes leaving again, and im not sure for how long. So why should i get where were before all this happened, to be heartbroken again. It was SOOOO hard, and I was the only one who had my back through everything. I started over. my girls were good to me, when id get a letter and cry or want to read it to em, they would grim n bear it. i knew they hated it, i just had to read it out loud... so many trips to moorhead.. YUCK! And this time its even further... we had our new years together last night.. our fancy dinner is tonight, cuz i feeling HORRIBLE! soo sick to my stomach, i always exadderate, people know this... im dramatic.. HA.. take it or leave it! so i always say omg my tummy.. I could totally puke in my own mouth right about now.. well the lil girl who cried wolf yesterday was REALLY BAD!!! kinda scared me, i havent felt like THAT in along time. Baby? condom broke once, and then no condom once since hes been home, and no flo... SOOO.. it scares me> We had the baby talk the night it happened. hes amped. Our kids would be GORGEOUS! No question... and thats not what scares me, im just worried about where we will be IF a baby were to be thrown into the picture. it was really cute how he said it..Hes like babe if thats the case.. U know ill be there, i know ur scared, that scares me too, but ID BE THERE! as he gets all giddy touches my belly, and yells to rach's room, RACH UR GONNA BE MY BABIES AUNTIE! HAHAHAH
he just siezes to impress me.. impregnate me too.. AH. Ok well i took a test this morning, without him... alone.. I wasnt even scared. See i hvae this feeling i cant have kids.. Im sterile.. *shrugs* I guess everyone who thinks that has a kid. HA that would be me! I know when we first started getting serius the same thing happened, and WE WERE NOT READY for a baby, i went and got the morning after. OMG did i cry. I had to bring it home with me i refused to take it. I told him, and he looked like I had killed his dog or something... something he had loved forever.
We had champagne last night.. hes like one glass brit.. i dont want my baby to have FAS.. mind u he has FAE--- effects.. just a lil more delayed.. not so severe. so last night.. after our dinner.. I gave him my promised back massage, that drink musta hit me, i dunno he was laying there, and i walked out, he made a comment nothing bad.. im emotional this wk.. so sue me. HA. i went to bed and starting writing like a mad women.. he got scared so did i. I cried.. not letting him know.. and him just freaking when i cry, he doesnt know how to deal with emotion.. so that pissed me off horribly! i was at that pt ready to quit, i was done. I was like matt i dont see this goign anywhere, im not sure where it came from.. prolly all the booze, but i flipped.. im like he cant take care of him self now... he cant take care of me.. and what if there is a baby.. then what.. Im enabling him to just sit around n not work.. and he needs to learn to be self-suffient.. wake himself up.. go to work.. AH im not a mom! so with me freaking we got back on the same page.. hes soooo used to just peacing out of situations like that. and Im trying to explain to him, not everyone is just gonna give up... cuz im not! and i wont.. i just need to make sure he sees where im coming from. i want babies with this man, i want a future.. he doesnt think im for real. Hes sooo scared of me.. intimiated..

guess we will see once i go home, if anything changed...
fights CAN Be a fun thing... crying... make up sex... HA yay!
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ohhh so tonies back too... she moved to reno to help her buddy raise a baby.. got there and from what i know her friend DITCHED her there... 5 days in, and moved off with her finance' of 5 days, *babies daddy* and ran without Tonie.. now tonies back and all like she didnt ditch me, i told her to go.. blah blah... ok sweetheart u just wasted 800 bucks and lost ur jobs.. through eveything away and now ur here with nothing, and shes off with some loser... im thinkin someones lying. Kinda sad if u have to lie to urself to make urself feel better about life.. u got shafted.. and im sorry just face it and ill help i dont like liars.. im not doing that anymore. so nooo idea what im gonna do with her back... i love the girl.. shes crazy as hell but move on with life.. make it about urself who can just sit around and let life pass em by...
"people know this... im dramatic.. HA.. take it or leave it!"
Hahaa, I'm the SAME way.
I just tend to overplay my emotions/feelings sometimes.
That's just me though lol.

So who's this boy that's back in your life?
It sounds to me like an old boyfriend or something?
I know how hard it is to finally accept someone leaving... that's really hard. But the even harder thing is having them come back in your life. I always wonder in the back of my head if they're gonna leave again, & sometimes develop a complex/have anxiety about it.

(I hope I don't offend you by asking) but are you pregnant? It's kinda hard for me to tell from reading your entry. I don't think you are, I read your entry 2 more times lol. But it sounds like the boy you're with is gonna support you. That's fantastic, I wish more guys would stand up & take initiative, just be a man you know? Oh, and gorgeous babies are always a plus lol.


January 8 2007, 12:46:10 UTC 10 years ago

I took a test yestderday morning, and it was negative, my roommate is freaking tho, shes like U CANT TRUST THOSE>. blah. and its only been like 9 days.. give or take. SO who knows. I dont think i am, im one of those neive girls who's like waiting for this crazy feeling where i KNOW im pregnant. I have a feeling I might be sadly mistaken. HA! *shakes her head* yah it was soo cute last night, hes all cuddled with my new puppy. hes like lookin at her when i came in the room, hes like Lola.. Just like me already im ur daddy. OMG it was SOOO funny. hes like 6'2"- 190- gangster boy. HA shes a peek-a-poo! and under 4 lbs wearing a rainbow sweater. I cant help but laugh. Like he wants a baby, im just beyond not ready. im not even 21!!

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see before we started seeing eachother he was a bad kid, hung out with all the wrong people.. etc..etc... had 5 sisters.. he was the only boy.. so he wasnt a priority.. trouble was his only outlet, so now he has to go to court and guarenteed he will be locked up. I hate that thought completely! I dont date guys like him, but hes sooooo different its unreal!!!! but i am sooo emotional with him, cuz ive never had to deal with someone being taken from me like that. its completely outta our control, im being punished for what he did back then.. AHHH i hate boys! then again he did wake up at 5am to make me breakfast today.. aww.
NO BABIES!!!! Remember..I gotta be the first one to pop one out ;)
ha im a nanny, i can handle, dont u wana be an auntie.. esp to MY kids... dead baet baby daddy... ohhh gawd!