nicegrrly (nicegrrly) wrote,

crazy fuckin day alreadyyyyy

Did it again... another Ian.. yet I kept Ian out of everyone else's way but my own. Its like I CRAVE Abuse! I cant even help the tears from falling anymore. its like WHY bother.... Why is it that Id do anything for ANYONE and what do i get in return. I feel like one of those nasty old trailer ladies who take beatings everyday cuz it might just get better one of these days.. yeah maybe if he broke his arms.. its one of those completely ironic ideas that make sooooo much sence when you are lookin in from afar but when you are in it.. its different.. its what u want it to be like.. actuality is out of the question. He doesnt support me.. tells me no matter how much weight i loose Ill still be chubby, I then freak at him, ye tmake excuses as to why it upset me.. he didnt mean it like that... he just siad it wrong. No hes abusive and i take it. I act like Im OKAY with the way he treats me, its sooo hit n miss. thats not a relationship. It really isnt.. wheres the love... the care.. I beside to GO BACK and get him last nigh.t. yes another time where i should haev said NO! go fuck urself. If u wanna see me bad enough come walk over.
But instead I go get him beer, just for fun, and get some drinks for me, which i DONT need. But its like i dunno i aim to place, im not sure why, but i do.
so hes like yeah awesome.. duh duh duh... and the only reason why i let him stay at MY place.. I kicked him out n hes stayin at my moms.. ya odd i know. BUT I could give him a ride to the temp work place, and my mom would tkae him once he got a job.. yes hes 20, we still treat him like hes 12. he might always need to be, cuz he cant seem to get it together for himself. he offers NO ONE anything...
i rush to get ready, cuz we were up till 230.. i had to be up at 5! and he still isnt getting his lazy ass off the couch.. nothing. I tell him if he gets up ill drive him over ther elike i siad, but hes like i dont want to go.
temp wk... he feels he can choose which days he works, but gets pissed when there arent jobs. Like they are supposed to save them for him, when he doesnt return 1/2 the time. LOSER

so he couldnt get off the couch, told him if he didnt go to work, he could walk to my moms place.. its her day off.. so WALK! he starts flippin out. I SAID ILL GO TOMORROW!! BLA. mind u hes been here over 35 days.. worked like one full wk... AND I HAD TO DRAG HIM OUT OF BED EACH DAY!!! bitching.... threatening....etc.. thats why hes at my moms. SO he wouldnt leave. I called my mom, she said she would come get him, hes being all groutchy. and rach walks out there n tells him he NEEDS TO LEAVE, hes like shut up u fat bitch...
*smacks her head against a wall* everyone always tells me, hes bad.. he will never change.. then again my mom saw the good side.. but shes sick of seeing me upset... and im sick of feeling BIPOLAR n crazy cuz of him
my moods switch cuz he knows what pisses me off and continues to push buttons.. smoking in my car.. saying hes gonna quit smoking then borrows $1 for one last cigare' in which he had money n bought a pack of 6! whata dick, i freak he tosses them out the winodw, like its all back on me AGAIN! cant
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