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  2010.05.15  17.09
a tough one 2 chew...

To achieve all that is possible. We must attempt the IMPOSSIBLE! To be as much as we can be, We MUST DREAM of being more!!!

I don't know why all of a sudden this is all hitting me like a ton of bricks... well I do... but I didn't think the issues I have always had with my dad would come out in this journey to sobriety.

I really wish the world for that man. For God sakes, I AM HIM! Well half... I get his charm.. his ideas.. his dreams... and I really need to start embracing that; my dreams that is. instead of pushing them aside, thinking they are just dreams..ideas like my dad's. Yah he never had his come true.. but I have that drive... And I need to start using all this pent up anger as my fuel! He just text me once again, and my heart is racing...pacing the basement, no idea what to do with myself. So here i am ... I NEED to continue writing like I used to. Dealing with my issues.... dealing with my feelings.. OMG! I have sooo much adreniline right now... I could literally do just about anything.

They are sooo immature. I just wanted to say im done.. game over.. why cant they be adults already.... why was i always forced to be the adult and fend 4 myself... but me not calling my step mom on mothers day is mind boggling.. that he has to txt me and belittle me...

I refuse to ever ever ever marry someone like him. Even associate myself with anyone like his kind. Its awful!! And I feel for anyone who has anyone so rediculous in their lives....

Luckily, I got my drive, and spirit from my mom; because Lord only knows he is lacking SOOO horribily!
little things he says to me, set me off. Its unreal.


  2009.09.10  20.41
what do i really want...

Kelley called again tonight...begging me to move out there again. I was thinking seriously..well more serious than usual back in April...late April. Damon and I sort of kind of patched things over when he left, and now things are great./ But I need to start focusing on whats keeping me here. My bestie & my antique bestie. I can say I hate it here all I want, but thats going to be my attitude until I pack up and leave., I know this- I wasn't meant to stay here. Im a wonderer.. I love kids, i miss adventure. Im sick of being anti-social. Nervous... just plain not me. I wish people close to me that i have yet to completely push away, would question me,... deeply. I DONT LIKE IT HERE!! Im NOT living.... i survive- I work at a trailer park.. which stresses me out to no end. I hate even texting half the time, im mentally exhausted by the end of the day. The only job I can even think about doing around here4 is... head of household... errands type of thing. I want to help... i want help... i just need good management... im "picky" here. there is always something wrong with something...everything... some issue. I have an awful atttiude, and for god sakes im scared i wont interview well... i wont pass... or qualify. omg when i started with the Cotes--- that was another {"time of my life"} i neeeeed to get back to NY. I NEEEEED to.


  2009.04.07  12.42
what do I mean to you?

Honestly Im almost wondering where he thinks our relationship is headed. Im sick of allowing myself to excuse him when he can be sooooo inconsiderate, I always say ohhh its because this is his first real relationship. So I was thinking more about it last night while we laid in bed watching "tough Love"
they give all these pointers on finding your perfect man. Im not sure hes mine.... ideally... soooo far from it. i want that guy that cant stop thinking about me... that sees a future and wants to work towards that WITH ME. Im sick of taking all the brunt of everythingt. He didnt come home saturday night n his excuse was ohhh i got too edrunk so i had ot stay at my buddies.. so pretty sure next time we go over ther... i want to make a comment to validate that story. He lies to me sooo muchj about petty shit, what makes me believe the important stuff is any different?!?! OHHH and I check verizon...he wasw texting Jamie from like 10pm-3am the day he was gone...so he wasnt with her,. YET he was talking to her all night;.... yet couldnt even call me to tell me he wasnt coming ho9me. that sucks. a big one, and no guy that i would wnat to be the father of my kids would do that to me..... he turns it around and Im this horrible person for getting mad.... and get this...this is why he didnt text or call... he didnt wnat me mad- so waltzing iin the door at 8am would be so much better... whata fuck up. I really everything I think about all this i really question myself... i wanted so much more for myself, and now what. Im sooo unhappy and im ok with it, my life revolves around him, its sick.

OHHHH SOOOOO are we on teh same page>?!>? i have it in my mind that he is my other half. we do everythi8ng together... but does he feel the same way...or will be always be that 30 something guy who still never gets his shit together.... I really need to figure out how ot bring it up with hijm.... where i stand with him...could he imagine us havign kids and getting married. bc if kids arent his priority i need to find someone else whos priority is the same as mine...... AFTER THE BASEMENT IS COMPLETED. ha free labor...its the least he could do for me...damn its been a year!!!


  2007.08.29  22.05
my life as we know it.

my life is tragic.. Another day goes by. Matt got locked up Tuesday morning. My one day off a week. Domestic Violence they say. Its what I know, its who I've become. I live to fight with him, to make up, to love eachother, to live.. whether some say its not kosher, we did it. We didnt care. I did at times, i got soo frustated with him and his little quirks. And now I sit here alone... no yelling.. no laughing.. no nothing. I sit here fighting in my head with myself. A no contact order.. i didnt even place it nor did he. I appeal it no one cares. my moms loves the idea of us having to be apart. We cant get enough of eachother I know this is teh best for us. But i still need the choice to talk to him. How can they steal my freedom, of being victimized again... of being belittled.. im so charming its sick, i can talk myself out of how bad the situation got. everyone buys it but my mom, shes smart. Im trying to make light of the situation, i got this big townhouse, all to myself. Who in their right mind would move in here with me, im goingnuts, i got a crazy ass dog who owns the place, pees on pads but sometimes on teh floor... cleanable but if she wasnt mine id be sooooo grossed out!! cat and dog never stop playing loudly all over the place. I dont hvae a friend to my name, well people I'd hang out with. I want him. thats all I want. I realize people say this, then they figure it out, but I really do love him.. ya ive laughed at those people. those stupid girls who all they do is get themselves pregnant. mother of 3... working fast food. My mom says Im better than him, who says I want to be, who said we arent good for eachother. Im kind of scared staying here alone, regardless if he was getting drunk on the back patio I always knew someone was watching over me, somehow.
I really need to get my shit together and turn to God. I know its a test, everything is. I need to endure and I can, and I know I will, I just want Matt to tell me everything is going to be ok, this is his deal and I need to work on me. Etc. And I could fast forward and it would be Christmas. Soon enough it will be. I need to start kicking ass and letting time fly!!
My mom had a good pt i was sooo depressed the last time he left he made sooo many promises how excited he was to be free again... wahts the diffence bt sitting in a cell or sitting on the couch... cuz u got me.. and im there, and there IS contact!! whether he liked it or not. hehe god i miss the stupid fuck already.


  2007.08.02  08.10
Writer's Block: In The Money

If you won $100 this afternoon, what would you do with it? MANICURE/ PEDICURE! AND A MASSAGE... A DAMN CHEAP ONE!!


  2007.03.04  16.58

what is a relationship when there is no trust?
everyday i come home sniffing around for something to get mad at him about.. IM SOOOO used to him fukcing me over that i woldnt know any difference. I came home yesterday to find a strong smel.. I could think of was weed.. I was enraged but knew i couldnt jump to conclusions... it was insence.. But then its like was it to cover up smoke? who knows right...
I ignore all my calls.. iw ant to spend my time with him.. its like if u invested soo much time in putting together a model T... yah who compares it to this.. but i did... u would want to spend every spare moment to make sure its JUST right.. well same here.. i dont hang out with anyone anymore. I realized i had to get tonie outta my life... and now the first person who jumps in my mind is tonie.. i want to call and cry to her soo bad. I ignored everyone else when they wanted to hang out... they might have needed someone i didnt care. I HATE when girls get like that over guys
so i kicked him out.. and let him come back.. Kel comes over today gawd damn hes sooo hott.. and matt just goes off with him... jumps right up and they are off... so i beg him to go places with me.. thats lame.... im lame lately its unreal. im not even saying ohh hes bored.. IM BORED with myself.. with him.. with LIFE
i know im gonna look back at this and be like what the fuck was i thinking,
DREAM_----- i wish he would have somewhere else to go and just leave me heartbroken, cuz i cant leave him.. i cant stop caring, it sounds sooo stupid.. like i can admit i cant do it.. yet i cant stop myself.. AHHHHHHHHHHH
he came home to ask if it was ok to go "move" things with Kel... lets play stupid with brit.. I think not. So im like whatever.. cool... hes all nervous and obviously scared.. so its like is he lying or scared im gonna freak.... so i do freak cuz i dont know what hes thinking.. communication is never there!!! BUT... im like and ur getting paid for this? hes like i dont even know what we are doing... he has to og a few places... just keep changing ur stories... as i walk around the house locking windows.. he grabs me.. hes like im not gonna get high or drunk...every other time he was. i swear TO GOD AND EVERYONE BUT MYSELF>>>>> he comes home drunk or high.. IM DONE
hes out , no questions... i will move and stay elsewhere till hes completely gone.
He had 60 bcuks yesterday he needed shoes.. he really did, and it was our date night.. yah can ya be a lil more chessy. but regardless... he found cheap shoes bought em, stole some incence, WGHICH he knows i hate when he does that!!! and then was going to buy some disco ball or anything random... he owes me hella... and cant even decide about money.. or anythiong.. or ur gf is pissed.. just stay with her .. offer to go to her great g-ma's funeral.. and whne u dont go and she comes home upset.. ask her how it went. but nothing. hes like people die.. and he doesnt know any different... i cant keep making excuses.

i just vented to kelley... ahhh feel sooo much better.
ill write more later.. now im working...


  2007.02.01  06.41
crazy fuckin day alreadyyyyy

Did it again... another Ian.. yet I kept Ian out of everyone else's way but my own. Its like I CRAVE Abuse! I cant even help the tears from falling anymore. its like WHY bother.... Why is it that Id do anything for ANYONE and what do i get in return. I feel like one of those nasty old trailer ladies who take beatings everyday cuz it might just get better one of these days.. yeah maybe if he broke his arms.. its one of those completely ironic ideas that make sooooo much sence when you are lookin in from afar but when you are in it.. its different.. its what u want it to be like.. actuality is out of the question. He doesnt support me.. tells me no matter how much weight i loose Ill still be chubby, I then freak at him, ye tmake excuses as to why it upset me.. he didnt mean it like that... he just siad it wrong. No hes abusive and i take it. I act like Im OKAY with the way he treats me, its sooo hit n miss. thats not a relationship. It really isnt.. wheres the love... the care.. I beside to GO BACK and get him last nigh.t. yes another time where i should haev said NO! go fuck urself. If u wanna see me bad enough come walk over.
But instead I go get him beer, just for fun, and get some drinks for me, which i DONT need. But its like i dunno i aim to place, im not sure why, but i do.
so hes like yeah awesome.. duh duh duh... and the only reason why i let him stay at MY place.. I kicked him out n hes stayin at my moms.. ya odd i know. BUT I could give him a ride to the temp work place, and my mom would tkae him once he got a job.. yes hes 20, we still treat him like hes 12. he might always need to be, cuz he cant seem to get it together for himself. he offers NO ONE anything...
i rush to get ready, cuz we were up till 230.. i had to be up at 5! and he still isnt getting his lazy ass off the couch.. nothing. I tell him if he gets up ill drive him over ther elike i siad, but hes like i dont want to go.
temp wk... he feels he can choose which days he works, but gets pissed when there arent jobs. Like they are supposed to save them for him, when he doesnt return 1/2 the time. LOSER

so he couldnt get off the couch, told him if he didnt go to work, he could walk to my moms place.. its her day off.. so WALK! he starts flippin out. I SAID ILL GO TOMORROW!! BLA. mind u hes been here over 35 days.. worked like one full wk... AND I HAD TO DRAG HIM OUT OF BED EACH DAY!!! bitching.... threatening....etc.. thats why hes at my moms. SO he wouldnt leave. I called my mom, she said she would come get him, hes being all groutchy. and rach walks out there n tells him he NEEDS TO LEAVE, hes like shut up u fat bitch...
*smacks her head against a wall* everyone always tells me, hes bad.. he will never change.. then again my mom saw the good side.. but shes sick of seeing me upset... and im sick of feeling BIPOLAR n crazy cuz of him
my moods switch cuz he knows what pisses me off and continues to push buttons.. smoking in my car.. saying hes gonna quit smoking then borrows $1 for one last cigare' in which he had money n bought a pack of 6! whata dick, i freak he tosses them out the winodw, like its all back on me AGAIN! cant


  2007.01.27  10.07
post secret

Please stop trying to ruin my life. What you want, is not what I want for my life, just let me be.

I love you.

to my best friend; you are quite possibly the worst friend I have ever had in my life, you constantly choose drugs over me and you do it admittedly. but my addiction to you will never let me leave you behind. Im screwed for life.

I want to tell one friend…
You are conceited; you and your overly involved mom need to stop blowing everything you do out of proportion to make it seem like you are a god. I really hate you and your way of be-littling (sp?) everyone around you. Making it seem that everything you do is superior, everything you have and everything you say is better. You come off as an ignorant bitch. You fit in perfectly with your new friends.

Dear You-Know-Who,

You have been there for me through some of the biggest traumas in my life, but I can't take much more of your anti-social and controlling behavior. Our plans always revolve around one or two places, but why can't we branch out and try more things? I wish you weren't threatened by the fact that I have other friends, but it's killing me that you refuse to deal with them at all. Everyone else loves them, except for you. It's getting to the point where I have a hard time believing most of the stuff you say -- and I've started lying, too.

I have to confront you about all of this and more, but I'm terrified of your reaction.

Me, The Hypocritical Coward


  2007.01.12  09.08
happy from within

so as odd as this sounds, im finally "getting" things.. Like Im sooo sick of this angry at life.. bipolar people. Like I AM TRUELY sorry ur life sucks.. or u want to make others' a living hell. But back off barbie. im soo sick of THESE people trying their damnedest to drag ME down with them. Im open minded.. i am a free spirit. I see life as.. u NEED good karma.. u dont then go fuck urself.. honestly. be open minded that one guy u totally ignored COULD have been your new best friend... so why show people ur having a bad day and drag everyone down. Im sick of bitching. as odd as that seems. Matt.. kid from work today was like i think ur close minded. OH IF ONLY HE KNEW ME?!?!??!
cuz EVERYDAY i try SOOO hard to make convo with him, for god sakes he sits across from me... hes like WHY DO U ASK... hes shy.. so im trying hard to break his shell.. well he doesnt crack im not sure he ever has. hes UNREAL!!!! he has NOOO heart, but deep down i swear hes BAWLING! I was like today what do u do for fun.. what makes u happy.. u have to understand im unreal personality.. i say it how it is.. and it comes out with alot of expression.. so it wasnt like lets talk about life.. phsychologist style. maybe that woulda went over better. HA. so hes freaked!!! hes like why do u ask me ?'s why do u care.. pretty much told me, he thinks i ask to be closed minded and judge him. im like i think YOUR are the closed minded one for even beginning to think that, YOU ARE THE ONE jumping to that conclusion, all im doing is tryin to get past the pt that u dont want to talk to any of us.. thinkin maybe one day u might sya 2 words.. and now frown.. is that soooo hard to ask. ahhhhhh i want to shake hiM!!!! u have NOOO Idea. i always talk back to him, he thinks if hes tough no one will talk to him, nor hurt him. I always mouth back to him, i can handle sarcasm, its who i am, but god his is mean. HA i almost love it!
whata bitch!

im sooo sick of close minded people though.. there is MORE TO life then just thinking about yourself THATS FORSURE!!!
*** im sick of letting these people get to me, having to make excuses for the both of them.
ITS FOOOD.... i yell at matt.. why cant she.. im sick of it! Yeah i get it ur pissed he drank ur pop. and hes lazy.. hes depressed.. how many times have i left u alone, and not spoKE to u, let u be a hermit for what 2 months.. while u hated me, i still talked to ur mom ever so often, but just backed off from u, and hten 2 mo later u randomly contaact me to hang out or what not,like nothing happened. nothing was ever spoke of. maybe ur bf has it ALITTLE more together then mine.. then again no ID.. no car.. no license.. i dont judge him. yea he does dishes.. yea he cleans up, hes a nice kid. And i tell u that, but can u honestly ever say anything nice about my bf.. how fat he is.. how whatever, nothing ever nice.. i could say the same about urs... but do i?... no. Im sick of avoiding convos with people! lets talk about it b4 its an issue already! I get that he is being a couch potato and I could do differently--- date someone who has a job.. has money.. supports me.. I coulda dated justin.. i coulda dated nick.. can u say eww.. its not who i like.. u liked ralph what did he have? not to much right.. .I never said a word, i understand this is kind of dif with matt at OUR house.. and it might annoy u.. i understand i need to respect that cuz its your place too, but its mine as well. one second i think shes finally warming up to him, laughing doing whatever, and the next comment shes like UR FAT.. he could say the same to u.. who says ur any better then him? ya u have a job, yea its not his house, by why should anyone take that ever? like ya i say that to him ever so often, but he is my bf. and thats between him and i.. maybe u didnt get that, but that would be me like heeeey chris so i hear ur tiny.. or soemthing.. its just mean.
what makes u n i sooo dif. im not saying ur a bad person i just dont understand u, adn i truely want to!!! i really do. Its just its soooo offf.. one second ur fine. and the next second ur like "when is lazy ass leaving.. "
do u have a heart?? at all.. all those times u paid for booze for ralph n u. all those times u drove there to see him, i didnt judge u. i went along with it, cuz im ur friend. please be mine. I get uve been right about ALOT of people.. but then again, u never gave ANY of them the time of day. U either love someone or u hate em.. end of story. U have to get this.. he has NO car.. he has nothing to look forward too.. hes dealing with seasonal depression.. maybe he is milking it. But what was Ralph doing.. how much money has chris gave YOU for gas? he bought pizza.. i get that.. thats awesome.. but why are we still fighting about this. I love matt.. i really do.
and if it doesnt work out, least i can say i LEARNED ALOT abotu myself.. i grew up.. i got milked.. HA. but thats me.. i just ask that u dont judge him.. u dont know. u havent bothered... hes just like u.. hes shy too.. think about it. Please.


  2007.01.07  09.27
so much to think about.. so little space

So hes back again.. back in my life... i wasnt expecting him for another 5 months, I preped myself for this.. started that program, was doing really well.. wanted to get hott by may for him, for me. finally doing things for myself. moved on with my life.. well now hes back. hes adjusting and im just not, its SO hard. Hes having a hella time, and me im not adjusting at all.. i have a twin bed, i find myself telling him all the time now, can u find ur way to the couch id rather get some sleep for work then cuddle, thats sooo not me. Its histarical yet its really not, this is how im coping, I know hes leaving again, and im not sure for how long. So why should i get where were before all this happened, to be heartbroken again. It was SOOOO hard, and I was the only one who had my back through everything. I started over. my girls were good to me, when id get a letter and cry or want to read it to em, they would grim n bear it. i knew they hated it, i just had to read it out loud... so many trips to moorhead.. YUCK! And this time its even further... we had our new years together last night.. our fancy dinner is tonight, cuz i feeling HORRIBLE! soo sick to my stomach, i always exadderate, people know this... im dramatic.. HA.. take it or leave it! so i always say omg my tummy.. I could totally puke in my own mouth right about now.. well the lil girl who cried wolf yesterday was REALLY BAD!!! kinda scared me, i havent felt like THAT in along time. Baby? condom broke once, and then no condom once since hes been home, and no flo... SOOO.. it scares me> We had the baby talk the night it happened. hes amped. Our kids would be GORGEOUS! No question... and thats not what scares me, im just worried about where we will be IF a baby were to be thrown into the picture. it was really cute how he said it..Hes like babe if thats the case.. U know ill be there, i know ur scared, that scares me too, but ID BE THERE! as he gets all giddy touches my belly, and yells to rach's room, RACH UR GONNA BE MY BABIES AUNTIE! HAHAHAH
he just siezes to impress me.. impregnate me too.. AH. Ok well i took a test this morning, without him... alone.. I wasnt even scared. See i hvae this feeling i cant have kids.. Im sterile.. *shrugs* I guess everyone who thinks that has a kid. HA that would be me! I know when we first started getting serius the same thing happened, and WE WERE NOT READY for a baby, i went and got the morning after. OMG did i cry. I had to bring it home with me i refused to take it. I told him, and he looked like I had killed his dog or something... something he had loved forever.
We had champagne last night.. hes like one glass brit.. i dont want my baby to have FAS.. mind u he has FAE--- effects.. just a lil more delayed.. not so severe. so last night.. after our dinner.. I gave him my promised back massage, that drink musta hit me, i dunno he was laying there, and i walked out, he made a comment nothing bad.. im emotional this wk.. so sue me. HA. i went to bed and starting writing like a mad women.. he got scared so did i. I cried.. not letting him know.. and him just freaking when i cry, he doesnt know how to deal with emotion.. so that pissed me off horribly! i was at that pt ready to quit, i was done. I was like matt i dont see this goign anywhere, im not sure where it came from.. prolly all the booze, but i flipped.. im like he cant take care of him self now... he cant take care of me.. and what if there is a baby.. then what.. Im enabling him to just sit around n not work.. and he needs to learn to be self-suffient.. wake himself up.. go to work.. AH im not a mom! so with me freaking we got back on the same page.. hes soooo used to just peacing out of situations like that. and Im trying to explain to him, not everyone is just gonna give up... cuz im not! and i wont.. i just need to make sure he sees where im coming from. i want babies with this man, i want a future.. he doesnt think im for real. Hes sooo scared of me.. intimiated..

guess we will see once i go home, if anything changed...
fights CAN Be a fun thing... crying... make up sex... HA yay!


  2007.01.05  09.18

so many dreams when i was 18, im now almost 21, and i feel like that was ages ago.. I did soo much back then.. and now what... here i sit in GF, not the happiest.. working hard.. I think once i finish school im peacing outTA HERE... no stopping me.. no bf.. nothing. I give mad props to marys daughter.. shes a social worker.. LOVES it.. which i wanna be. and did 6 yrs of school,. after the death of BOTH her parents.. and now decided to go to AUssie.. and just leave the bf.. no ball n chain. hopefully i can be balsy like once b4...


  2006.12.29  10.52
boys... new years... my boy.. ahhh

sooo 10 min b4 work is done... where to start so Matt has been staying with me since Christmas Eve, its SOOOOOO great to see him again... he was a bad kid.. and was away for awhile. OK so im ALMOST 21.. Jan 21.. gooo me.. matts 21- june20th. HA. Younger guy i know.. who does that. Not me usually. SO im madly head over heels for him... hook line and sinker.. like the past week has been sooooo amazing. I cant even begin to describe it. Just dorky.. no holding back, etc. its been amazing. I just really wish i knew as to what he wants to do after all these court dates are done..etc. It was sooo cute, he HATES when i drink. he was sipping on some ron last night, and refused to give me some. I think hes still hoping for that baby. *rolls her eyes* I dont even know where to start.. i want soooo much out of life and hes in a root.. i just hate to move on and then always wonder what could have been.. ahhh love is a scary thing. It was sooo cute tho last night. hes like baby... I really do love you 2. Like i had said it first or something. HA. yah like a week ago. Nice work buddy... hes lucky i have self esteem, and hella high for that matter. it was cute tho, hes like im not very emotional, which i know. hes him... its who he is, but hes getting soo much better. Well kinda.. I feel like im out weighing the bads for the goods. GR.
And sex is taking its toll.. we are insane.. its official HA!!!! best ever.. by far!

OK enough boy talk...
********************** new years party at my house....whats good drinks? i want jungle juice personally.... something good. anything really.. any ideas... games.. i wanna be super dorky *shrugs* HELP ME!!!!! ************


  2006.12.25  09.52

loungin.,...hes at home in my bed.. omgaw i wanna be there sooo badly. i met his fam yesterday awww.. such sweet people. It was beyond scary though to say the least!
step dad totally drilled me, we got home, and i just cried.. he doesnt realize how madly in love iwth him i am, its unreal!! imissed him soooo much tho... im gonna leave work early n head home to be with him



  2006.12.25  09.50


  2006.12.24  08.50
recap of last night....

I think there might be a policy about having a badass hangover/ still drunk as hell... (at work mind u). and last time i checked that wasnt unwriten, it was fully enforced. OMG im sooo tired. Lets just say i woke up smashed against my bedroom wall..  droool all over.. and tonie next to me.. *twin bed* how do u like that for a visual. HA!

So lets just say that bacardi melon... sailor jerry.. and some giggly ass weed.. isnt always the best choice when you work at 7am!
AND MEETING your bf's mom. Tonie and i were nutty as hell... Nick.. my cuz brought over some for me. Tonie didnt even get paranoid, except for me yelling OMG its bad hash.. there is this one spot *grabbin her throat* that i cant seem to get wet... *gags* we are officially freaks! Omgaww... i was RUNNING laps around my kitchen/living room.. spraying room spray cuz my roomies a hater.. HA.. then again who likes drunks, esp when ur sober. I needed water soooo bad So id take a BIG swig and then LAUGH and drown myself! and spit at people. OMG it felt like a dream, hot boxing my bathroom. I remember running thru the kitchen and being like omg theres mail... and thinkin OMG how did it get there... where did it come from.. and dlippin out. Tore up some bill... still have No what it was. UND something. and got christmas pics from Lauren and Leslie.. AWW! and I got this Hinder CD, oddly enough, I kept going you guys i found this cd.. and its playing in my room now.. i thought it was magic i think. this weed was unreal i was nuts as hell.. i was outside smoking.. wrapped in a blanket. I talked to Matt, he was like BABE YOU CANAT BE OUTSIDE!!! Its cold! U gotta go inside!He was sooo worried.. it was soo cute. I remember Tonie and i lying on the front stairs, just chillaxing.. and then I began to believe matt.. what if we got locked out... it was kinda cold.. OMG then i yelled... THE SWAT TEAM.. i hear em.. the DEA.. get inside.. tonie thru the cigarette.. and then i run  back out for it.. even tho i freaked everyone out.. and myself. im still out tryin to get this stupid cigarette.. mind u i dont even smoke.  i feel like ABSOLUTE HELL!!! i called Matt.. alot... drunk dialing.. i gotta stop that! talked to him.. then some dude came on the phone.. i thru it to tonie.. she flipped at him.. and she kept calling back. it was sooo weird like a dream almost. oh gawd. I think i honestly would rather smoke then drink i HATE hangovers! 



  2006.12.21  10.13

HURT like a Bittttch.. u have nooo idea. they are my rainbow brite stars.. i cant believe i got em. I feel like im just comin off  a bad coke experience.. HAHAHA like I would know whats that like.. But still... random ass days leads to some random assss tats!

ANYONE wanna get crafty and thow these together for a tat for my other ankle. I want it drapping off my ankle. simple. anyone has time, id love ya for life!


  2006.12.18  10.45

So who am I? 
I believe in love at first sight (but I don’t think I’m so sure if love lasts forever) 
I dream of a prince charming (what girl doesn’t?). 
I believe in karma and fate and believe that everything will come back in the long run. 
I believe in always kissing someone goodnight 
As much of an independent as I am, I still do believe in a gentleman, but also equali
I believe I was born in the wrong century. 
I’m a firm believer in past lives!  (people who don’t like cats will come back as mice in their next life and that people who don’t like dogs will come back as a rawhide bone. )
 I’m a spontaneous person
I think everyone deserves to be rescued (even me). 
I believe I’m a great person but I do tend to scare people off with sarcasm
As much as I believe in independence, I think some perfection comes with dependence on the right someone. 
I believe kids are our future, and are far more intellectual than any of us will ever be. They know how to live in the  moment and live each day to the fullest!
I absolutely HATE closed minded people... complete hypocrits of themselves. Hating on others because they can't seem to embrace differences. 
I believe you gotta give alot to take alot.. life's fair game!
I believe people rush sooo much into love before even having a clue to LOVE THEMSELVES!
We ALL have issues, no matter how perfect people think they are- EVERYONE is an addict of some sort.. it's whether or not you take the time to hear about these differences will you ever fully understand OURSELVES.



  2006.12.18  09.23
survey deal

Type your cut contents here.
Ten things you say every day:
1. say what!?
2. i'll talk ya.. (click). *im rude whats it to ya*
3. i know, right..
4. bitter bitch
5. its whatev
6. I'm exhausted!
7. I love you too
8. I feel like BUTT!
9. This diet might be the death of me
10. Did I tell u... *HUGE LONG STORY*
11. for the love..
12. so get this...
**** GAW I sound dumb!****

Nine things you wear every day:
1. nose stud
2. my rings.. go purity.. HA
3. ADD personaliy
4. Hairtie on my wrist
5. a smile :D
7. earings *gotta love the pearls*
9. my heart on my sleeve :D hah
10. toe nail polish

Eight movies you'd watch over and over:
1. A walk to remember
2. the ringer
3. sweet november
4. chaos--- brit n kev
Im realy not much of a Movie kinda girl.. and repeated watching.. its the ADD

Seven cds that matter:
1. Jack Johnson
2. John Mayer
4. my mixed CDs that keep ending up in my room.. roomies maybe?
5. gavin degraw
6. james blunt

Six objects you touch every day:
1. computer/keyboard
2. pen
4. cell
5. car seat
6. bed/blanket
7. LoLa- My puppy n not like that! u pervs!

Five things you do every day:
1. make up
2. eat
3. talk to myself
4. talk on the phone, i dont think a day has gone by that i havent talked to 100 people a day
5. write

No four...?

Three favorite songs at the moment:
1. any AKON song
2. my chemical romances' new one
3. james blunt songs

Two things you could spend the rest of your life with:
1. my cell phone
2. My friends

One person who has influenced you most:
1. my mother


  2006.12.01  06.58

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover Lyrics

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.


  2006.11.28  10.48
new goals.. short term

1. Nannny again
2. Move randomly and get a shitty job
3. be a bartender or waitress
4. dont rely on parents
5. be comfortable in my own skin
6. not limit myself
7. if something else comes along, dont be scared to try it... with or without matt
8. TRAVEL!!!
9. dont work jobs where i hate both of them.. get one i love and one i work for the money..
10. find out what will fill my empty spot,,, deep down
11. stop being sooo bipolar..
12. write more!!!
13. seek new friends.. not losing old ones.. but seeking inspiration
14. stay positive
15. stop talking about all the shit thats bad.. think n talk about whats amazing
16. be on time.. stop going in late.. ur losing money..
17. eat healthier..
18. i have alll the time in the world.. work out!!! something anything...
19. stop being fat, being a fattie is fine.. but getting fat isnt
20. take care of urself from the inside out... dont forget either though!
21. remember who is important.. the people who will be there thru no matter what
22. spend far more time with gma and great gma!
23. settle into the apt, make it cozy!!!
24. wake up... get back on a good sleep schedule..


  2006.11.28  10.40

gaining insite, i feel ALMOST enlightened.. I want sooo much, and im finally catching a glimpse of what I've always wanted. I DONT want to settle... i never want to stop! so why would i now.. Im 20.. nearly 21.. not 60. I love matt soo much, and ive dealt with soo much. and now im finally dealing with me. Im really at a breaking point, I feel like I have nothing. Nothing now, nothing to look forward to. I want to be a nanny again, gain that experience from another side of the world... the country wherever my little heart takes me. I was sooo brave then.. whats happening to me. I think Im getting more street smart, and have more ties now.. not necessarily ties but responsibilities that TIE ME DOWN. a real job.. 2 of them for that matter.. a apt lease.. a car to pay off.. my mom who is here who helps me SOOO much! My dad who everytime my car breaks down he fixes it without me having to pay.. Im looking at the big picture tho.. i dont do anything here for fun, besides go home play with Lo.. Nap.. drink on occassion. I love my couple close friends i have, but i feel as tho im loosing grasp on most of my friendship from BEFORE>>
not even really caring. I want new friends is ideally what i want outta my time now. People who represent who i am. Artsy people who can dress crazy, accessorize.. and promote being different and standing out. here its soo cut n dry. I kept commenting to Heidi how people are sooo NORTH DAKOTA here.. well to me they are... whether it be discriminating or not. I just HATE people who are sooo stuck in ND they would never leave and judge EVERYONE who appears different from the "ND Mold". people with piercings people who stand out, gays... whatever.. its bullshit. Heidi's like u can find that ANYWHERE u go.. yah i get that.. i really.. but ND is FAR more close minded.. ya ive been around but I know alot of people from EVERYWHERE... and who are now living here and they fully agree!
so more power to me, so we were at apple bees the other day for lunch.. heidi... bitchass godmother.. shes "SO NORTH DAKOTA" and i told her that. I told her to pretty much get her head out of her own butt. So i was not talking to her and looking at my planner.. not being rude just minding my OWN business.. I had this paper with tattoo ideas.. which is a tribute to my great gma... so it means the world to me.. shes still alive but not really.. so yah its a HUGE deal. shes like first u get ur ears pierced then u have alcohol bottles all over ur apt... umm yeah 3 in the window.. go f urself HA. shes like ur white trash if u get that tattoo... I was like jaw drop look to her, saying EXCUSE ME... im ur goddaughter.. ur one and only cuz my mom must be crazy!!! and ur going to call me that.. there is SOOO much shit i would say to u... Miss i love walmart.. Im sooo gawd damn thrifty.. the sweatshirt she was wearing while she called me TRASH said... "cats. Books. and coffee. Now thats the life or something with a huge PRINT On it... can u say ewww.. WOul di say that to her.. who's trash? so she dresses HORRIBLE>.. i dont call her out on that. its like dude ur 45 and ur that insecure about urself, ur gonna try to drag ME down.. I think not!!!! I was sooo pissed u have no idea. I was like Excuse me, dont ever ever say that again, u are sooo beyond out of line right now. U have NOOO right to imply that let alone SAY THAT TO MY FACE. the thing that bothered me is my mom was siting right next to me, and walked away... tail between her legs... shes the strongest woman i know, yet no voice when her "best" friend is dragging me down. Yah im one tough cookie.. all alone but cmon mom... pick or fucking chooose... its not that hard.. IF i woulda said something even slightly rude she woulda called me out. what makes heidi different.. she'd hold a grudge n hate me and my mom for life.. it was histarical i walked out of applebee's soo fast. And she gets in teh car 2 min later saying So baby.. where did u wanna go shopping now.. have anything u need to do b4 i do my errands.. in this soft lil voice she seemed to have found from the bottom of her lonely heart.. i was like No, mom please just take me to my apt. I was not about to sit and let her kiss my "white trash" ass. she's unreal. I think I am goign to write to her. I seriously am and wont be getting ove rthis anytime soon. I just hate people like her. its her way or no way. thats how i am, BUT i am open minded to hear better ideas. and i would definitely let someone know if they were right.. or had a better idea. her.. not a chance in hell.. shes gonna be alone at 80 .. be the cat woman.. oh yah all she does is work, and both her cats died.. i almost feel bad. then again i feel horrible for those cats.. crabby old lady.


  2006.11.20  07.47

yesterday was really a day to sit and mope.. HA. I went to an adorable movie with my mom and her ladies.. which rocked.. I LOVE LOVE LOVE them! esp Patty, shes always like sexie mommie.. reminds me of matt.. acting like im his hootchy HA. Gawd i Miss him. Its sooo weird, I swear Im bipolar.. HAHAH. I get sooo angry at him, but then I remember all our fucked up times and miss him horribly! Its been 8 days.. no 9! His dad called me the other day, hes been trying to get ahold of him too, and no such luck.. NO idea whats happenint o him. I think its those meds. he doesnt even need ANY but if it makes him sleep n be anti social with me.. its whatever. least his time spent will fly by.. I did send him that letter tho,saying he needs to start caring and revolving it around me.. which he does, i dont take it back. I feel like ive really dealt with all this crap fairly well, but i did leave him a msg and Im gonna go up there on thanksgiving, we already spent 4th of July AND halloween together, im not about to miss thanksgiving. I just hope to gawd he doesnt think I turned my back on him, leaving him there alone.. but Im working on me now as well. not JUST him

I miss that lil bastard.. im single now for a wk, and loving it, yet AH once i see him.. im gonna go nuts agian i just know it.. I need closure but im really setting MYSELF up. *shrugs* he knows he has me tied around his lil finger.


  2006.11.18  08.44

so ANOTHER>. can u say my life JUST MAY revolve around boys.. Its crazy.. first there was Ian.. hes a GREAT smart kid.. But omg.. can u say LOST SOUL. Sometimes I cant pass on that much glow.. HA. trying to be all poetic.. I need to go back to school! with Ian- I really learned what I was good at, and where I wanted to work on. He was SOOO critical and thats how he was raised, to call his sister out.. if ur fat.. hes gonna tell u. Cuz he "loves" u. He would rather be the ass, than have u learn whats true from someone else who isnt family. and isnt doing it from a pt of love.. which is HORRIBLE! but thats how he was taught. Moms a crackhead.. hes becoming one.. and he has nothing. He wants Tonie to go down with him, and shes STILL swinging.. Her and I went to a party the other night.. I DIDNT have her back.. when she is drunk even more comes out. she gets ANGRY and its a weird angry.. shes crying for Reno, but its not even that, she wants to go back to disfunction, shes not used to crazy almost normal people from ND> we dont deal with shit she had to deal with... leaving 2 girls at a party if they are ok.. is fine.. no one is gonna pull a gun.. it doesnt happen here.. people will act as tho they are thugs... ur in ND. they are gonna pose as much as possible. they arent faking.. they just arent west coast thugs.. there IS a difference. THey feel as tho they are better off than i am bc they can be tough and can handle anything liek getting a job in reno she said i could never.. I GUARENTEE I would have more of a chance then she.. either here or there.Here mind set is its her against the world, she doesnt need friends to help her.. considering most everything that i have nice in this world, i got thru help... im thinking her theory is wrong.. thats just me tho

as for matt.. lets see.. he has alot going on.. I am questioning my love for him tho.. for once.. I might have been in love with the idea of his potiental. Hes a great guy, but has ALOT in his life.. and Im not sure there was room to pencil me in.. and Im ready for the pen.. for the long haul but him being in jail really got me thinking. he hasnt contacted me in a full week and it was a wk b4 that too.. thats messed up. SELFISH! and Im not doing it anymore. IF he gets out and wants me back hes gonna have to show me exactly what hes good for, and how hes gonna take care of me, cuz im not going to hold him up. Im sick of fighting FOR us when hes constantly fighting me and himself.. he needs to get a grasp on his own life. I think with me it was a change from Ian, Ian had full control and with matt.. I had full control and then he woul djust peace out for awhile but then id get it back.. we had crazy hard times.. and its over..


  2006.11.15  10.50
sometimes i just crack myself up...


might as well start now.. Im adding the rest while I attempt to stay awake thru my 5 hr shift..

1. exercise
2. tan
3. get motivated
4. no more buga-boo's
5. less stress
6. write!
7. keep in touch with everyone.. stop cutting urself off!!
8. meet someone who i wouldnt just date... BUT MORE!
9. Tight knit friends...
10. live in NYC
11. Seek stability
12. get a hottie who respects me!!!
13. 2.5 kids, amazing husband, white picket fence and a yippy dog by 30.
14. write a book
15. summer lake home
16. Own my OWN shop
17. skydive
18. Get a tat
19. Figure out what's important
20. Hot air-ballooning
21. Pro hockey game
22. Visit EVERY state
23. See BSB live ... AGAIN
24. Scrapbook of my life..
25. Backpack thru Europe
26. Comfortable in my own skin- COMPLETELY
27. Helping Profession, Never work for the $, but for the overall feeling
28. Go back to school
29. Stop being OCD about tweezing
30. Move to another country
31. Try to rekindle an old flame
32. Peace corps
33. Missions trip- preferably.. Chinese Orphanages
34. Adopt a foreign child
35. NEVER settle! Keep seeking more!
36. No more sex.. HA! JK! well at least for the WRONG reasons
38 TIGHT KNIT family.. rituals.. holidays..etc
39. Be "that" person people look up to
40. SAVE $ for once!!
41. Financially STABLE
42. RELEARN French
43. Bilingual kids
44. DONT just sit around, accomplish a TON!
45. Go to the Price is Right.. before Bob Barker dies.. :(
46. GO to Opera in Chicago!
47. Saturday Night Live..
48. Watch the Ball Drop in Time Square
49. Make out with a rockstar
50. Get to a point where I can breath & say this is what I accomplished & I reached the point of satisfaction
51. Marathon.. walk- run- crawl.. do waht you do- push for the works though
52. HAVE these all accomplished...


  2006.11.15  08.44
limiting myself..

so Im finally ALMOST AWAKE! Im sucha old lady i need a good 8 hrs.. i strolled in at 2. *yawns* oh for a nap. I think I could sit here and nap sitting in this chair, an office chair.. is that sick or what.. yah so KK kicked my ass last night... 3 shots later I was flirting with this new Matt kid, the one i mentioned earlier..
I did bring LoLa over to see Cholo.. hes sucha bad dog its not even funny. HA its sooo ADHD!! Lola showed him what was up thats forsure. Its sooo weird tho, I really need to get back in the swing of things... start going out again, stop sleepin sooo much.. stop allowing myself to be sooo exhausted.. Ya i have more stress then most but I can get thru it.. i always do!Most would say I allow myself to get this stressed... allowing people like matt.. like tonie.. like ian, to come into my life.. But u know what Ive learned sooo much from all of them, I think people who actually STRUGGLE u can learn soo much more from. Its from experience, from tragity.. Tonies leaving and at one second Im like thank god, i cant have her sooo in my life, But at the next Ill really miss the bitch. She does some crazy odd things.. "my roomies a crackhead" -- siding with her brother.. etc.. it happens. I still question her daily n really wonder where her head is and where her heart is most of all..I think its in a great place she just REALLY needs a guy to come in her life or even a girl.. and be like im strong for MYSELF and im gonna show u how strong u can be for urself, by loving u. Its unreal and cheesy as that sounds, but i wasnt strong enough to keep us both afloat.. which is alright.. its Not a bad thing what-so-ever
shes a girl u bring to parties and some are scared of, some just think shes a bitch.. she questions people in whole other ways that the "average eye" would never even think about questioning.. she is VERY stuck in her ways like myself.. But even more so, even if she knows shes right, she talks HERSELF into believing shes right. Its histarical!!!
i FINALLY feel like I am getting to a pt where I do know more, and I AM getting back on the track i was in NYC.. FINALLY! My roommate hates me right now.. my dogs a yip.. im a messy slob.. n i let the EX roommate stay over.. which i understand might be a No-no but what was i supposed to do.. I couldnt drive her home, and shes not gonna do anything harmful.. shes sleeping till i get off from job 1. I can UNDERSTAND y she would be worried, but i do feel as tho, once she hates someone she always is gonna hate them... and thats crap to me.. people change.. what if u got a first bad impression.. people arent flawless, I guess I would hope people wouldnt judge me from square one.. thats why i give chances.. adn then there is this live linx boy.. hes nice i talk to him, but at this pt its like her n i fighting over him.. i really dont care. all im saying is him n i talked first dont tell him to ignore me.. cuz of YOUR insecurities.. thats just weird to me. talk to ME not behind my back.. and to a guy we dont even know.. who lies.. has 12 other girls.. there is nothign good to him, but attention when he feels like giving it.. I just dont like being second to a stranger.. This roommate thing might take ALOT of work.. bring it on


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