nicegrrly (nicegrrly) wrote,

so much to think about.. so little space

So hes back again.. back in my life... i wasnt expecting him for another 5 months, I preped myself for this.. started that program, was doing really well.. wanted to get hott by may for him, for me. finally doing things for myself. moved on with my life.. well now hes back. hes adjusting and im just not, its SO hard. Hes having a hella time, and me im not adjusting at all.. i have a twin bed, i find myself telling him all the time now, can u find ur way to the couch id rather get some sleep for work then cuddle, thats sooo not me. Its histarical yet its really not, this is how im coping, I know hes leaving again, and im not sure for how long. So why should i get where were before all this happened, to be heartbroken again. It was SOOOO hard, and I was the only one who had my back through everything. I started over. my girls were good to me, when id get a letter and cry or want to read it to em, they would grim n bear it. i knew they hated it, i just had to read it out loud... so many trips to moorhead.. YUCK! And this time its even further... we had our new years together last night.. our fancy dinner is tonight, cuz i feeling HORRIBLE! soo sick to my stomach, i always exadderate, people know this... im dramatic.. HA.. take it or leave it! so i always say omg my tummy.. I could totally puke in my own mouth right about now.. well the lil girl who cried wolf yesterday was REALLY BAD!!! kinda scared me, i havent felt like THAT in along time. Baby? condom broke once, and then no condom once since hes been home, and no flo... SOOO.. it scares me> We had the baby talk the night it happened. hes amped. Our kids would be GORGEOUS! No question... and thats not what scares me, im just worried about where we will be IF a baby were to be thrown into the picture. it was really cute how he said it..Hes like babe if thats the case.. U know ill be there, i know ur scared, that scares me too, but ID BE THERE! as he gets all giddy touches my belly, and yells to rach's room, RACH UR GONNA BE MY BABIES AUNTIE! HAHAHAH
he just siezes to impress me.. impregnate me too.. AH. Ok well i took a test this morning, without him... alone.. I wasnt even scared. See i hvae this feeling i cant have kids.. Im sterile.. *shrugs* I guess everyone who thinks that has a kid. HA that would be me! I know when we first started getting serius the same thing happened, and WE WERE NOT READY for a baby, i went and got the morning after. OMG did i cry. I had to bring it home with me i refused to take it. I told him, and he looked like I had killed his dog or something... something he had loved forever.
We had champagne last night.. hes like one glass brit.. i dont want my baby to have FAS.. mind u he has FAE--- effects.. just a lil more delayed.. not so severe. so last night.. after our dinner.. I gave him my promised back massage, that drink musta hit me, i dunno he was laying there, and i walked out, he made a comment nothing bad.. im emotional this wk.. so sue me. HA. i went to bed and starting writing like a mad women.. he got scared so did i. I cried.. not letting him know.. and him just freaking when i cry, he doesnt know how to deal with emotion.. so that pissed me off horribly! i was at that pt ready to quit, i was done. I was like matt i dont see this goign anywhere, im not sure where it came from.. prolly all the booze, but i flipped.. im like he cant take care of him self now... he cant take care of me.. and what if there is a baby.. then what.. Im enabling him to just sit around n not work.. and he needs to learn to be self-suffient.. wake himself up.. go to work.. AH im not a mom! so with me freaking we got back on the same page.. hes soooo used to just peacing out of situations like that. and Im trying to explain to him, not everyone is just gonna give up... cuz im not! and i wont.. i just need to make sure he sees where im coming from. i want babies with this man, i want a future.. he doesnt think im for real. Hes sooo scared of me.. intimiated..

guess we will see once i go home, if anything changed...
fights CAN Be a fun thing... crying... make up sex... HA yay!
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