nicegrrly (nicegrrly) wrote,

what do i really want...

Kelley called again tonight...begging me to move out there again. I was thinking seriously..well more serious than usual back in April...late April. Damon and I sort of kind of patched things over when he left, and now things are great./ But I need to start focusing on whats keeping me here. My bestie & my antique bestie. I can say I hate it here all I want, but thats going to be my attitude until I pack up and leave., I know this- I wasn't meant to stay here. Im a wonderer.. I love kids, i miss adventure. Im sick of being anti-social. Nervous... just plain not me. I wish people close to me that i have yet to completely push away, would question me,... deeply. I DONT LIKE IT HERE!! Im NOT living.... i survive- I work at a trailer park.. which stresses me out to no end. I hate even texting half the time, im mentally exhausted by the end of the day. The only job I can even think about doing around here4 is... head of household... errands type of thing. I want to help... i want help... i just need good management... im "picky" here. there is always something wrong with something...everything... some issue. I have an awful atttiude, and for god sakes im scared i wont interview well... i wont pass... or qualify. omg when i started with the Cotes--- that was another {"time of my life"} i neeeeed to get back to NY. I NEEEEED to.
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